How to Turn Rejection Into Success With Women
Last Friday night, when coaching some new clients, I headed out to the city. One of the problems we had that night was guys getting rejected at the door. The other problem a lot of guys had was bailing out of sets too early. Believe it or not the two are truly related, and odds are if you have trouble getting into clubs you are also going to have trouble getting shot down by women. How is this so? I’ll explain.
Friday night at a nightclub is a pretty happening place, and truth be known bouncers like to make it difficult for guys to get in. How many of you have experienced these scenarios?
1. Bouncer: “Hey guys how many of you?”
Guys: “the three of us”
Bouncer: “sorry guys, we’re packed tonight”
Guys: “oh, okay”
2. Bouncer: “Hey guys, are you on the guest list tonight?”
Guys: “um.. no”
Bouncer: “sorry, we have a private function tonight”
Guys: “oh, but we want to see friends inside”
Bouncer: “sorry, nothing we can do if you’re not on the list”
When I come to the front door at a club, I know there is always a chance that the bouncer is going to be a bit difficult. However, I know that I am making the club a better place by being there, and I know the bouncer is just doing his job and ensuring that he doesn’t let the wrong kind of guys in. already if the bouncer puts up some reluctance, I am confident that I deserve to be in that club and the way that I characterize that is almost always enough to improving the Bouncer’s excuses.
Rule No 1: I don’t take anything he says personally, already though I know most of the excuses he’s going to give me are a lie. He doesn’t know me any better than the drunk dude he kicked out the night before, and for all he knows, I’m just as badly behaved.
Rule No 2: I don’t beg to be let in. I belong in the club, I don’t need him to do me any favours, I just need him to recognise the value that I am bringing to the club, so that I can be let inside (and rightfully so in my opinion).
Rule No 3: I never negate anything the bouncer says. If the bouncer tells me there is a private party, I don’t go and say ‘I come here lots of times, you don’t have private parties’. If you negate what the bouncer has to say, then you are challenging him and his authority, that is a battle you can’t win because he legally has the authority to keep you out.
This Friday, I went to an exclusive nightclub, and when I got to the door, this was the conversation that ensued.
Bouncer: “hey mate, is it just you tonight?”
Me: “No mate, these guys here are my friends, they’re coming in in addition”
Bouncer: “Are you guys all on the list?”
Me: “No, no list for us, we’re just catching up with a few friends”
Bouncer: “sorry, can’t let you guys in, we’re near capacity” (we can see from the outside that it’s nowhere near capacity)
Me: “Sure, I understand that, we’re just coming in to catch up with my girlfriend and some of her friends”
Bouncer: “I really can’t let five guys in”
Me: “No problem then man, can I just quickly go in and grab my girlfriend then?”
Bouncer: *nods* then says “well, do you all have ID?”
Me: “yeah we do”
Bouncer: “alright guys, show your IDs to this guy here and you can go in”
What’s important about the conversation, is that I never get defensive, whiny, or argumentative. I know he has a job to do, and I show him respect for that. I just make sure to give him lots of opportunities to say yes.
Getting past bouncers is exactly like when a woman makes it difficult for you to talk to her, such as ‘Hey, I’m sorry, we’re just having a conversation at the moment’ or ‘we’re just having a girls night out’. We all know it’s a lie, but these women have to make sure they don’t let just any guy come in and talk to them. It isn’t personal, after all they don’t know us any better than the last guy who came up to them and said some really sleazy inappropriate things. Remember, you can make these girls’ lives better if you are in them, they might not see that straight away, but if you are confident of that, then you can let that confidence shine. If there is one-thing women respond to, it’s Confidence.
You can use the same 3 rules for getting past any resistance you might get from women. for example:
ME: Hey guys, thought I’d come over and say hello how’s your evening going? Breaking any hearts?
HB: Hi sorry we are just having a girls’ night out tonight.
Me: That’s no problem I understand, where is that accent from?
HB: We’re from Canada.
Me: So I’m going to go out on a limb and assume you are all here studying to be nurses?
HB: No, we’re here on a holiday.
Me: That’s a pity, I think you’d all make good nurses, except for her *point to one of them* she’d be better as a police-woman, she looks like the hand-cuff kind.
HB: laughing and now engaged in conversation with me
I know that I have a lot to offer those women, and I never think of rejection as a negative thing. I see rejection as an opportunity to show how unaffected I am, and how little I need their approval. Using exactly the same mindset, I get past difficult bouncers and difficult women most of the time. Bear in mind that some bouncers, like some women, just can’t be won in spite of of the effort.
I saw a few guys on Friday suffer because they pulled out of perfectly good sets because they felt they weren’t getting anywhere, or because the girls were starting to pull away by saying things like ‘We should probably get back to our friends’. If you just learn to hang in there and see these moments as fantastic opportunities to exercise your confidence, you will find the girls that are initially the most difficult often turn out to be the best sets in the field. By bailing out too early, you are cheating yourselves out spending time with some amazing women, and cheating the women out of the opportunity of spending some amazing time with you!
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